The last few days have been a whirlwind of confusion for me. Periodically, I lose my focus on what is important in the present and think too much about the past. This has been one of those periods.
The cliche says those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. And it is the mistakes of my past I wish to avoid in the future, so I keep those memories alive. My mistake has been that instead of merely not forgetting the past, I have been dwelling on it, and that is not healthy.
I am thankful for my friends and family at times like this. They act as a ball of sunshine in the darkness of my self-imposed gloom. It seems almost like an alarm goes out when I am in a funk, and my phone comes alive with random "How are you doing" calls from people I haven't talked to in a while. I also get e-mails from some good friends who have been down this road with me before, and they remind me how to get out of the funk. Rebalance and start again...words of advice from a friend who probably displays more patience with me than I deserve. And it is true...that is exactly what I needed to hear.
The past is the past, and nothing in it can be changed. The mistakes of the past should be avoided, viewed as painful lessons. Pain is a very effective teacher. Anyone who has ever played with fire will tell you that. But when we think about the past, we should dwell on the positive memories while acknowledging the lessons learned. I had forgotten to do that.
I am not saying that I have had an epiphany and that all my ills are suddenly cured. But I have regained my focus on the present priorities in my life. The funk has broken, much quicker than usual, because of the love and caring of the circle of people in my life. Yes, they have once again provided the sunlight to guide me from the darkness. It makes me realize that even with the mistakes I have made, I must have done some things right, otherwise these people would not put up with me. If Karma is to be believed, I must have done some good somewhere at some time.
And that makes me feel good about myself, and gives me the encouragement to move forward. And, going forward, I will be a little more conscious about how my actions affect others, so the next time I lose my way, maybe my circle of friends will be even larger. And when a friend of mine goes through a spell, I hope that it is my words of encouragement that help them as they have helped me, and that I provide them the sunlight they need. After all is said and done, all we really have in this life is each other, and we need to share the caring amongst ourselves, or caring shall become a lost art. Imagine how bright the world could be if we all strive to be the sunshine in someone's life...
As my last blog stated, I have been experiencing many emotions lately thinking about my past, present, and future. As usually happens, I turn to music to seek solace. Lo and behold, on comes this song. It is one of those songs that expresses my thoughts perfectly, so much so that I wish I had written this song.
Among the emotions I am experiencing is regret. I regret rejecting the love of a very special person, and that mistake still torments me. The lyrics of this song express the things I should have said, instead of the ones I used.
And if, by chance, that special lady finds this blog and reads it, I hope she knows how sorry I am for being such a jerk to her.
"I don't want to miss a thing" Written by Diane Warren Recorded by Aerosmith
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing Watch you smile while you are sleeping While you're far away dreaming I could spend my life in this sweet surrender I could stay lost in this moment forever Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep Cause I'd miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing Cause even when I dream of you The sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating And I'm wondering what you're dreaming Wondering if it's me you're seeing Then I kiss your eyes And thank God we're together I just want to stay with you in this moment forever Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep Cause I'd miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing Cause even when I dream of you The sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile I don't want to miss one kiss I just want to be with you Right here with you, just like this I just want to hold you close Feel your heart so close to mine And just stay here in this moment For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep Cause I'd miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing Cause even when I dream of you The sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing"
I regret the things I missed with her because of my stupidity. Don't make the same mistake friends. A lifetime is too long to suffer the indignity.
Tonight, I am creating an emotional stew, a conglomeration of ingredients thrown into a steaming a cauldron of mixed emotions. A phone call tonight has my cauldron overflowing.
The contents of the phone call were rather non-descript. A little chit-chat about mutual friends and current events. But a simple throwaway remark from my friend threw me into a state of meditation regarding my past, and led me to a brutally honest self-assessment of my many failures in my personal life. As I contemplate the litany of bad decisions my life has been, I realize there is one common denominator throughout the whole string of misdeeds and poor critical thinking episodes I have experienced- My Mother.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother very much while she was still alive, and I miss her terribly sometimes. But as I look back at my life, I realize that it was her decisions regarding my life and my upbringing that contributed to the mess I am today. My friend who called me referred to another one of our mutual friends from "back in the day" as a former lover. No big deal, I thought, although I was shocked. You see, we were all part of a religious group with very strict standards. Through my conversations with my friend, it has become clear to me that I was the only teen in the congregation who abided by the rules. This revelation, to be frank about it, pisses me off. I missed out on the fun, the sexual hijinks, the altered state of mind from illicit substances, and all because my mom taught me this was how it was supposed to be.
I now realize that I missed out on what should have been the best years of my life, and for what? Because of the religion, I had no fun. Because of the religion, I was ridiculed. Because of the religion, I lived a life of frustration and humiliation. And most horrifying of all, because of the religion, I shunned the one true love I've had in my life, only to live with that regret ever since.
I left that religion when I was old enough, but the damage was done. I cannot reclaim my youth, and the fun I missed out on. I cannot wipe away the emotional and mental scars the resulting life events have etched so painfully into my memory. I can only look back, and get angry.
I'll wake up tomorrow, go to work, and do the same monotonous adult things I've done since I moved out of my mom's house. I'll go to dinner with one lady or another, maybe have the occasional night of libations, and whatever simple pleasures life at my age may afford me.
But I will never be able to have the youth I wanted. My mom took those years away from me, and as much as I loved her, I cannot forgive her for that.
I guess I can add a pinch of shame to that cauldron now...
I was driving in my car this morning listening to news radio. As a seemingly endless list of experts, analysts, and pundits all expressed their thoughts and opinions about the events going on in the world, I started thinking back to what the news sounded like when I was younger. I then started thinking about the events themselves, and how much things have changed in my lifetime. Here are some of my observations.
Wars- I grew up listening to Walter Cronkite telling me each night the score of the Vietnam War. Each night I would hear " Our troops reported ___ confirmed kills, while we suffered ___ casualties". To me, an elementary school child, Vietnam wasn't a war, it was almost like a sporting event: we killed more than they did so we won today. That is, until my cousin Steve came home from his first tour in 'Nam.
It was that moment that humanized the war for me. And I knew then I never wanted to experience war first-hand. That war was ostensibly to stop the spread of Communism. As it turns out, Communism has pretty much stopped itself, for it depends on honest leaders in government to work, and there is no such animal. Our wars today are merely economic issues. There are no ideological battles, nor any military threat to our borders. World War II was the last of the American Pride wars, where the whole country rallied together to defeat a common enemy. That nationalistic pride no longer exists.
Sports- Growing up, we watched sports for the enjoyment of it. It was always better when your home team won, but we liked observing the beauty of the games themselves, played by men who simply loved the game. Today's athlete is a much different animal, driven by pure greed. I stopped watching pro sports the day I heard the following sports report..."He might have to settle for 16 million a year". Settle? I'd work a month and a half and retire. The greed in sports ruined the enjoyment for me.
Economy- I grew up, and still live live, in Attleboro, Mass. As a child, Attleboro was a mill town. Jewelry factories were everywhere, and Texas Instruments was the largest employer in the city. Downtown Attleboro was full of store, restaurants, and bars, thriving from the workers stopping during lunch and after work to patronize the local businesses. As more manufacturing jobs went overseas, the shops started closing or moving from Attleboro. A ride through downtown Attleboro reveals no clues to its productive history. Many storefronts are empty. Former department stores are now occupied by smaller businesses like tattoo parlors and nail salons. All but two of the local eateries are distant memories. And the number of medicated people wandering the streets is matched by few communities, even much larger cities.
As I reflect on these things, it occurs to me that change is inevitable. It happens naturally as we grow older, and it happens artificially as politics dictate the conditions in which we exist. Not all change is good, as manifest in downtown Attleboro. Today, the POTUS is in S. Korea meeting with the leaders of the top twenty economies in the world. And for the first time ever, our country is not the undisputed leader in the world. Our status as a nation has slipped. And that is a change none of us could ever have imagined just a decade or two ago.
It makes you wonder what changes we will see in the next ten or twenty years. Most importantly, we must ask ourselves- will we like the changes we see?
It's been almost a month since my last blog. I have been so busy with life that I just haven't had time to focus on one subject long enough to write. So I think I'll just hit a bunch of different topics quickly, if you don't mind.
The elections are around the corner. If you are not happy with what is going on, then use this opportunity to vote out ALL incumbents, regardless of party. You cannot have change with the same cast of characters.
The Republicans and Democrats have proven their ineptitude, so I suggest voting third party if you have a candidate to choose. If not, a moderate member of either party is more likely to work "across the aisle", and we need a Congress that works, not fights.
Just when you think you have a clue about women, they throw you a forkball.
Go Rangers!
My Fantasy Football team is doing well, although I expect a butt-kicking this week. Fingers crossed!
Only nine weeks until I graduate from Colorado Technical University. I will be the first member of my family with a college degree. Pretty cool feeling.
I have been spending a great deal of time in Salem, Mass. I could live there....
Summer is over.
The two things that infuriate me are stupidity and hypocrisy. So much for discussing politics and religion.
Aren't conspiracy theorists a hoot?
I went through a brief period of thinking I should become a monk. I am not going to though, because I just love women too much....and I don't like the hairstyle options either.
I need to get some rest. The next time I have something important to write about, I'll let you know. Until then, take care and Blessed Be.
Back in June, I was told I had suffered a heart attack. I had two stents put in my heart, and was given a rather strict diet and exercise plan to follow. I was sent to a wellness program to do cardio exercise. All was going well for a while. While some days I didn't want to do the cardio work, it was an appointment I had to keep. A commitment if you will. That is, until my insurance said they would no longer pay for the program.
Oh yeah, I promised my therapists that I would stick to my diet and do exercise at home. And, when it came time to do my exercises, well, it seemed like there was always something more important to do. Laundry needed doing, or I had to go to the store, or my gardens needed harvesting on City of Wonder (a Facebook game). Yeah, always something more important for me to do.
As far as my diet went, well, I stuck to faithfully for the first few weeks. The doctors all said I could "cheat" once in a while, as long as I didn't overdo it. One doc said I could cheat once a week safely. But what started happening was my weeks were getting shorter. So, on a Monday I would say to myself, "It's okay to cheat as long as I don't for a week." But Friday would come around, and I rationalize that Monday was 4 days ago, and that's like a week. I think you're starting to get my drift...
So the next thing I know, one day I start having a not so good feeling in my chest. Not a pain, but just not normal. After a while, I start having a little trouble catching my breath. Uh-oh. This is how the heart attack started. I debated for a bit about whether or not I should go to the hospital. But my insurance requires a $200 co-pay to walk in the door, so I decided on laying down. A couple of hours later, I had legitimate pain in my chest, and difficulty breathing. I remembered that the doc had giving me a prescription for Nitroglycerin pills. With some hesitation, I took one. Miraculously, my symptoms improved within 5 minutes. I went back to bed.
When I awoke for work the next morning, I was quite fatigued, and still not 100%, but I tried to get through my day. I didn't make it. I ended up going home early and went straight to bed. An hour later, I felt exactly the same as the day I had the heart attack. So I took another Nitro. It's been 24 hours, and I feel okay now. Granted I haven't done anything strenuous, but I feel okay. But that last 48 hours was pretty scary.
So, this slow learner has finally grasped yet another obvious lesson:Listen to your doctor. While I am a guy, and most guys don't pay much attention to the doctor (or maps, bosses or wives), there is a reason they are doctors and we are not. It is because they have spent a great deal of time learning about how the body works, and what helps and what hurts it. It is simple to disregard the advice of someone we only see occasionally, but such ignorance can be detrimental to one's health. Hell, it could kill you.
As a result of this little episode, I am back on my diet and will start my exercise regimen tomorrow with a hike through some of the historical sites around Lexington and Concord. It was there the first Americans died fighting for their right to freedom.
I'd hate to think I died for the right to have a Big Mac. Kind of puts it in perspective, doesn't it?
A Facebook friend, who happens to be a Tea Party member, posted a video on his page featuring a British fellow telling Americans why we shouldn't allow a Mosque at Ground Zero. Strike One. Anyone paying attention knows there is no Mosque being built at Ground Zero. A cultural center is proposed a few blocks away, that, among many other things, has a "Prayer Room" incorporated into it. Calling the building a Mosque is the same as calling a hospital a church because it has a chapel in it.
I watched the video to see what this kind-looking fellow had to say for himself. If you have dramamine, now might be a good time to take some, and then watch this video.
Okay then. Let us examine the accuracy of some of the claims this hate-monger spews.
Not even 25 seconds in we hear that they are building the "Islamic Center and Mosque a few yards from Ground Zero". A few usually symbolizes a small amount. Two hundred is not a few, and that's how many yards there are between the Center and Ground Zero.
40 seconds in, we hear 3000 "innocent people" lost their lives. Just keep that word innocent in mind for later recall.
He also says that the attack on the World Trade Center was a religious attack. This is impossible. You see, the worse thing a Muslim can do is take the life of another Muslim. Yet, many of the "innocent" 3,000 were in fact Muslims. The attackers were not on a religious Jihad as some would propose, but rather, this was a retaliation against the POLITICS of America, and it's treatment of nations abroad. The World Trade Center wasn't targeted because it is a religious Holy site, it was the symbol of western decadence to those who despise America's arrogance.
Our friend now rambles a bit, but there is nothing substantive until around two and a half minutes when he declares that any religion who inspires such violence isn't a religion at all. Wow. Is that true? ANY religion who supports VIOLENCE is NOT a religion at all? Think of how many people have died throughout history at the hands of Christian soldiers. I remember the lesson where a Spanish brigade slaughtered a couple hundred men who refused to "Convert to Christianity or die". By the man in the video's definition, Christianity is NOT a religion. Yet it is Christian Fundamentalists who are spreading and clinging to this man's message. Can you spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-S-Y?
3:05 or so he compares Islam to Nazi-ism. Yet his point-by-point similarities almost all coincide with the practices of...wait for it.... Christianity! So now our British friend has further condemned the Christian religion without naming it, just simply implying it.
4:08 we are informed that the name of the building is to be called Cordoba House. This is wrong. Initially, that was the working title, but it was changed months ago when some people objected on the grounds of potential misrepresentation. The project planners agreed and changed the name. So our British friend is either woefully out of touch,or just lying to incite more hatred.
What is clear to see is an anti-Islam movement taking place. It is a movement being promoted by religious fundamentalists and the various Tea Parties (there are more than one). That is ironic.
The Tea Party was founded on promoting the principles of our Constitution. Yet, they are seeking to deny Muslims the rights the Constitution grants them.
We are being deluged in hypocrisy from these organized hate-mongers. They hide behind the Constitution and The Holy Bible as their weapons, yet violate the rules of both if it is not in line with their agendas.
Need more proof? The website who sponsored this YouTube video has a petition to stop the building (an anti-Constitutional stance). Here is the text of the petition:
A petition from Act for America:
"We Stand With the Victims of 9/11, We Oppose the Mosque at "Ground Zero," and We Urge You to Join Us in Opposition
To Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the Elected Officials of New York:
We the undersigned join with millions of Americans who are opposed to the founding of a mosque at the very site where Islamist jihadists destroyed the World Trade Center and took the lives of nearly 3,000 people.
We are opposed to the grotesque symbolism represented by the building of this mosque at "ground zero." We are especially appalled that those pushing for this mosque have designated its grand opening date for September 11, 2011 – the ten year anniversary of the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.
We are deeply disturbed by the insensitivity to the families of the victims of the 9/11 jihadist attack exhibited by Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf and his supporters. We find it grossly hypocritical that Islamists and their allies repeatedly lecture Americans about the need to be "sensitive" to Muslims while Imam Rauf and his allies practice the height of intolerance and insensitivity through the blatant act of building a mosque at "ground zero."
We are offended by the views Imam Rauf has expressed about 9/11, such as his conspiratorial theory that Muslims did not perpetrate the 9/11 attack and that America's policies were partly to blame for the attack. Such views are a slap in the face of the victims and families of 9/11.
We find it repulsive that Imam Rauf and his followers and supporters would seek to build a mosque near ground zero promoting the same Sharia ideology that the 9/11 hijackers used as the justification for their act of unconscionable murder.
Therefore, in deference to the families of the 9/11 victims and their memory, we call upon the elected officials of New York to oppose the building of this mosque near ground zero and for them to urge Feisal Abdul Rauf and his followers to find another location for it."
At the end of the petition, we find this disclaimer: "Because of the importance of providing a highly credible petition, this petition form asks for certain contact information to help ensure that no one signs the petition twice."
You see the disclaimer? They seek to provide a "...highly credible petition". Yet the first sentence is inaccurate:"We the undersigned join with millions of Americans who are opposed to the founding of a mosque at the very site (italics and bold added) where Islamist jihadists destroyed the World Trade Center and took the lives of nearly 3,000 people."
Again, it is a cultural center, not a mosque, and it is two hundred yards from the site, not "...at the very site". Therefore, their goal of credibility is shot down in the first sentence.
I really despise hypocrisy. And I am seeing way too much of it in this case. Why don't these people just say the following, and be truthful:
"I don't like Muslims because they don't believe the same things I do".
There, is that so hard? That way, you can just wallow in your prejudicial feelings without having to be hypocritical too. Now don't you feel better?
